The question of the ability to recognize emotions often concerns the parents of boys, but it is equally important in the case of girls. Even adults have difficulty understanding their feelings. A child can experience various emotions in a short time: joy from a new toy, sadness after it gets dirty, and then anger. Such experiences are most often expressed through screaming or stomping. The role of parents is to help understand emotions and teach how to express them in other ways.
Children feel emotions similarly to adults, but they differ in how they communicate them. Adults can precisely identify their feelings, while children express them through facial expressions, gestures, behavior, or play.
Every child needs to express their experiences; however, due to a lack of skills in recognizing and naming feelings, they may use inappropriate ways. Strong emotions or simultaneous experiences of different feelings can lead to screaming, excitement, or conflicts. Learning to name emotions and express them safely is a process that requires adult support.
Understanding emotions is a difficult challenge for a child. Parents should arm themselves with patience. A small child will not fully understand what emotions are and how to control them for a long time. One cannot expect a four-year-old to stop being afraid because the meaning of that word is too abstract for them. It is crucial to introduce small steps and gradual learning.
Stages of Understanding One’s Emotions
The first step in understanding emotions is learning their names. For a child to better control their feelings, it is necessary to introduce terms such as “happy,” “inspired,” “disappointed,” or “lost.” These concepts may initially be difficult to grasp, but gradually they become part of everyday vocabulary. This process requires patience. Adults often limit their range of words to simple oppositions like “like – dislike” or “satisfied – dissatisfied.”
At an early stage, a child may not fully understand the meaning of these terms and sometimes guesses whether they fit the situation. However, over time, they learn to associate specific words with experiences, such as “we were disappointed because the cinema was closed.” By the time they start elementary school, most children master basic emotion recognition.
Recognizing One’s Own Feelings.
It is worth supporting the child in understanding their emotions by naming them in everyday situations. For example: “It seems that you are worried because the weather has worsened.” If the child denies it, it is helpful to explain why their state was assessed that way, referring to facial expressions, tone of voice, or behavior. In this way, the child gradually learns to better identify their feelings and also notice emotions in others.
The Relationship Between Emotions and Actions.Discussions about emotions should take into account their impact on behavior. It is important to understand the circumstances in which undesirable reactions occur, e.g., “Did it upset you that someone took your place?” This helps the child begin to see the connections between their emotional state and behaviors. Over time, they learn to respond more consciously and avoid actions that lead to conflicts.
Alternative ways of expressing emotions.
It is worthwhile to suggest different forms of expressing feelings. For example, instead of pushing someone, one could suggest using words like “Please stop.” When children start using verbal expressions instead of physical aggression, it is a significant stage in their development. Then, one can discuss how to communicate their needs in a more constructive way.
Recognizing emotions in others.
A valuable tool in learning about emotions is analyzing the behaviors of characters from books or animated films. Discussions about the feelings of characters, such as joy, sadness, or fear, help in developing empathy. It is important to pay attention to facial expressions, gestures, and behaviors that reveal emotions.
Discussions about emotions in everyday life.
Daily conversations about feelings can include questions about mood and reflections on experiences. By sharing their feelings, such as joy or irritation, adults show how to connect emotions with causes. This helps the child learn to better understand what influences their own mood.
Support in expressing feelings.
It is important for the child’s emotions to be noticed and accepted. Support and understanding from the environment allow for safe expression of feelings. Emotions themselves, such as anger, sadness, or fear, are a natural and healthy part of life. Problems arise when one tries to suppress or ignore them.
Concern should only arise from a clear dominance of one emotion, e.g., persistent sadness. In such cases, it is necessary to understand the cause. In all other situations, it is essential to leave space for fully experiencing emotions. Suppressing feelings can lead to physical and mental tensions, so it is important to support the child in their natural expression.
How to teach a child to live in harmony with emotions? 14 important tips
How to support children in coping with emotions, accepting feelings, and solving problems? Here are 14 practical tips that can help adults in daily communication with the youngest.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to understand, feel, and appropriately express emotions. It consists of elements such as:
- emotional awareness and self-acceptance,
- sensitivity to the words and behaviors of others,
- empathy,
- the ability to cope with anxiety and anger.
With developed emotional intelligence, it is easier to manage one’s reactions, which positively affects relationships with the environment and daily functioning.
Why is emotional intelligence important? The ability to manage emotions is crucial in building relationships, learning, working, or developing friendships. It affects the quality of life more than the level of intelligence measured by IQ tests.
The development of emotional skills in children begins with relationships with caregivers. Daily support, conversations about feelings, and building mutual understanding help children better understand themselves and the world around them. Such work enables them to achieve harmony and effectively cope with emotions in everyday situations.
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- Start with trust. Respond to your little one’s calls when they need your company. Do not leave them alone in tears. Everything starts from infancy, from early interactions of the child with their closest ones, where a sense of safety and trust is born.
- Calm your own anxieties. Almost a hundred years ago, psychologist Harry Stack Sullivan proposed the theory that infants pick up on their parents’ anxiety. Recent studies confirm that touch, tone of voice, and parents’ movements can calm or provoke anxiety in a child. It is clear that we always “radiate” our moods and inner state, whether calm and content, or troubled and cranky, and we convey this to the people around us. Therefore, when communicating with a child, it is worth paying attention primarily to your emotional state, learning to calm yourself and encourage yourself.
- Accept and acknowledge your child’s emotions. Not all behaviors are acceptable, that is obvious. But all emotions are acceptable. You can (and should) limit your child’s actions as needed. But that limitation will work best when you understand how they feel. Explain to your children that they cannot choose what they feel (just as they do not choose their arms and legs), but they can – and should – choose what to do with those emotions.
- When in doubt, show your compassion. Your support helps the child accept their own emotions. It allows them to “allow themselves to feel” and then move forward, avoiding internal conflicts. Your empathy teaches the child that emotional life is not dangerous or shameful, but rather universal and manageable. This way, the child learns that they are not alone and that even the less pleasant sides of their personality are acceptable. Many adult problems are unfortunately just the result of not having learned to understand and accept ourselves in childhood, and for sadness, tears, and other “inappropriate” emotions, we were punished and reprimanded.
- Do not punish the child for their emotions and do not try to distract them.Do not humiliate the little one when they feel pain. “It’s just a little scratch, it doesn’t hurt, stop whining!”, “Big boys don’t cry.” The second sentence is also full of unnecessary stereotypes that are worth forgetting once and for all for the child’s mental well-being. Acknowledge the child’s problem, empathize with them, allow them to show what exactly happened, give them some time to understand and discuss the event. Then it will be easier for them to move on.
- Repression does not work. Denying fear or anger will not take those feelings away from the child, but it may lead them to suppress them. Suppressed emotions do not disappear. They get trapped and seek a way out. Since the child’s emotions are not under conscious control, they come out uncontrollably. How does this happen? A preschooler insults their sister, a seven-year-old has nightmares, a teenager develops a nervous tic. Unfortunately, there are many possibilities.
- Emotional training helps diffuse intense feelings. Anger will not go away until it is heard. Listening ≠ solving. Accepting and reflecting the child’s emotions does not mean you agree with them or accept them. You are simply showing the child that you understand the situation. How to do this? Listen. Acknowledge. “You must be really angry with your brother. Tell me about it.” “You must be very sad, right?” “Is everything going completely wrong today, just like you wanted? I understand you.”
- Teach your child how to calm down. Young children have needs that trigger intense emotions. For example, the absence of a caregiver/parent, hunger, or pain. Without the “calming adult” they need, their nervous system does not create pathways that would allow them to self-regulate in the future. It is very difficult for little ones to learn to calm down or regulate their emotions on their own because every new feeling makes them anxious. At ages 4-5, feelings of fear or anger can lead to anxiety or panic and prompt action, as children are not yet able to patiently endure and control themselves, but need to release energy. So, to calm down, a child must first ask someone else to help them calm down. From this process, children gain valuable experience: my physical and emotional needs are tolerated and managed.
- Help your child learn to solve problems. In most cases, when children (and adults) feel that their emotions are understood and accepted, the emotions dissipate – they become less destructive. Such an atmosphere provides the opportunity to solve problems. Sometimes children can do this on their own. Sometimes they need your help to brainstorm solutions – from a forgotten stuffed toy to resolving a shoelace issue. But do not give in to the urge to solve the problem for the child if they do not ask you to! Such behavior gives your child the impression that you have no faith in their ability to cope on their own.
- Model emotional intelligence.Adults as an example. Have you heard the statement that children don’t listen to us, they just watch us? Do you become irritable, grab things, find it hard to calm down when you are upset? Do you cry when things go wrong? Can you keep your cool during emotional discussions? Do you show empathy towards other people expressing emotions? Your child will behave exactly the same way.
- Constructive anger management is one of the most important skills you can pass on to your child. When a child is furious, look for the causes of pain or fear – that is what anger protects them from. In a situation where everything is calm and safe, the child rarely shows you all the hurtful feelings or fears that usually lead to bad behavior. When you find yourself in a stressful situation, don’t let your anger escalate – the child knows that you are the “moderator” of the situation. Use words, but never violence. Is it that simple when they cry in public? Think about it, because your anger in that situation hides a fear of being, for example, a bad parent in the eyes of other customers in the store. And now imagine how hard it is for your child to stay calm when they are unhappy with the situation and now they are also afraid of you. Remember, you are a role model.
- Intervene BEFORE your own emotions get out of control. Every time we yell at our children, we are to blame. And it’s not just that we yell, but also that we don’t intervene in the problem in a truly effective way. Example: Your five-year-old son, Arseny, didn’t turn off the computer and now he’s not in a hurry to go to bed. He clearly needs your help to perform an action he cannot control himself – to close the fun app with bunnies and go brush his teeth. Now you’re yelling because for the fourth time you’re telling him to go brush his teeth in 20 minutes. Each time you yell during those four times, you are ineffective. You are not solving the problem and not showing how to solve it. Whether you need to pull a tired toddler away from cartoons or teach a fourteen-year-old to help prepare dinner, you must immediately make it clear that the decision will not be changed. And do it in a calm tone, maintaining calm both internally and externally. This way, you will not only teach your children something valuable, but also show them how to manage themselves. If you end up just yelling, the children feel like “prisoners,” some even literally paralyze themselves. In such a situation, children learn nothing valuable, but they learn a lot harmful about how mom/dad/caregiver cannot manage their emotions but expect that from the children.
- Do not undermine your child’s emotional self-awareness.Your child needs your support to develop their inner emotional compass. Respect their feelings towards others. If your child doesn’t like it when Uncle Sasha hugs them, teach them to offer a handshake instead, rather than scolding: “That’s how it should be! He loves you, be nice!”. When a preschooler refuses to play with your friend’s child in the yard, listen to them and try to help them solve the problem, instead of moralizing: “You have to share, you have to make friends, don’t be selfish. Regardless of everything, let the children decide who they want to play with! In simple situations, you should affirm their right and ability to trust their own feelings, including discomfort that the child may not yet be able to identify. Children should make decisions about their safety from an early age.
- How to talk about difficult issues?Your child may encounter physiological problems, the absence of a father, learning difficulties, an impending divorce, or alcohol addiction in the family. They may also simply have trouble telling you that they are afraid to answer in class at school, that the soccer coach is constantly yelling at them, or that children in the preschool group are teasing them about their ears/moles/improper consonant pronunciation/lack of colorful shoelaces. Every child has issues they are afraid to talk about. And these are the very issues where they need your support and guidance the most. Of course, at first, you need to overcome your own discomfort regarding these problems. It is important to start without a sense of guilt. Guilt only complicates problem-solving. You also need to find a time when you are alone with your child, without unwanted glances, so they can tell you what worries them. One great way is to spend a few quiet minutes before bedtime. Turn off the lights, turn on the nightlight, cuddle your child, and ask them about their day. What was wonderful? What were the difficulties? What did they learn? What didn’t go too well? It is important to create a safe and trusting environment where your child feels that their emotions and problems are taken into account, and you are ready to listen and support them. Be patient, understanding, and open, and your child will feel that they can talk about their difficulties without fear and doubt.
Summary
Every child faces problems that are difficult to talk about openly. These are topics that require special support and guidance from adults. At the beginning, it’s important to overcome one’s own discomfort regarding such conversations.
Creating the right atmosphere is key. One should find time for a calm conversation, preferably in a situation that ensures privacy. A few minutes before bedtime can be an excellent moment. Turning off the lights, creating a cozy environment, and asking a few questions, such as: “What was pleasant today?”, “What was difficult?”, or “What new did you learn?”, can encourage openness.
Creating a sense of safety and an atmosphere of trust makes the child feel heard and supported. Patience, understanding, and openness from adults build a space where the child can talk about their worries without fear or shame.
An evening conversation in a calm environment helps even the most reserved children relax and open up. Mutual trust is crucial, which also develops when adults share their own emotions. Developing one’s emotional intelligence is an essential element in building such relationships.
